


4:03

by hecatesbrat



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: F/M, Final Fantasy VIII: AU, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-07 01:56:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3156671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hecatesbrat/pseuds/hecatesbrat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Squall thinks about the past he had with Seifer while with Rinoa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	4:03

**Author's Note:**

> The song is [Shinedown's If You Only Knew](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tV8WhNnF_Sw).

_I'm hanging by a thread  
The web I spin for you_

The goading, ridicule and teasing, it got to me. How could it not? He always had a way to break through my walls and get to me. I didn't know that despite his bullying ways that he really did care. Too much bravado to be able to just say it outright. It was always veiled in some cryptic comment, like the one where he said that he'd show me his 'romantic dream'. Of course I rolled my eyes, it was, at the time, a stupid childish comment. He always left me wanting to know what was going on in his head. I thought about it constantly at times. He dangled little bits like that in front of me, and I took it and found myself hanging, trapped and waiting until he gave me more.

_I'd sacrifice my beating_  
 _Heart before I lose you_

Nobody ever really knew what happened in Time Compression or after. Rinoa sometimes still asks about finding me, dead, in that empty world. I found Seifer first and pushed him out of Time Compression. He didn't deserve to be tormented by that Witch's desires any more.  
He wanted me to come with him but I had to be the hero and go back. I promised them. Promised Rinoa, my own Sorceress that I'd go meet her 'there'. Only she found me first. I couldn't think of anything but his offer to go back with him. It was something I wanted. Instead I ended up walking and thinking, letting my mind fill with other things than the stupid yellow flower field.

_I still hold onto the letters_  
 _You returned_  
 _I swear I've lived and learned_

After we won, I lost track of you. Went through the motions of everything - life, love for a relationship that I had no interest in, being Commander - hells, just being. Everything was the motions of it. A shell of who I was or became or grew to be. I don't even know anymore. I just know that things aren't alright and I don't even know how to go about fixing them.

I thought I grew up, thought that I had made peace with myself and could accept the things that would be coming in my life. I swear I grew up, at least a bit, but I don't think I did.

_It's 4:03 and I can't sleep_  
 _Without you next to me I_  
 _Toss and turn like the sea_

I stand at my window, almost every night at the same time and it's because I wake from a dream. Sometimes it's the same dream over and over and sometimes it's different. It always has you in it.

The moonlight falls through the window, through the sheer curtains and falls on the bed. Sometimes, for a moment I think that the figure in the bed is you, like it was years ago when we first became lovers. Rivals. Whatever. It's not you and sometimes I don't realize that until I'm standing over the figure in the bed, until Rinoa is sitting up and shaking my arm.

_If I drown tonight, bring me_  
 _Back to life_  
 _Breathe your breath in me_

You fill my mind so much and I don't think I want to stop my thoughts. They seem like a reprieve from this self imposed hell that I'm in.  
There are so many things that I wish I could have told you. So many missed chances to get to know you better than what I did. To have been more than just a lover and rival. I could have been your friend.

I wish I could say that you gave me something more than frustration and stress, because you did and didn't. You brought a passion to me. A life filled with so many ups and downs but you always made me feel. Always pulled me out of my drowning introversion. But we were younger and stupider then. We didn't know better.

_The only thing that I still believe  
In is you, if you only knew_

If you knew how often I stood at this window, how often I thought these thoughts... Never once uttered to anyone, especially not Rinoa. I think she has an idea that there is a space in my heart, in my soul that she can't fill. She'll try her best to fill it and that's admirable but she'll never know that it's a Seifer shaped spot and I think I'm too much of a chicken shit to tell her.

Thinking back on the war and your ideas, your heart was in the right spot even if your actions were misguided by Sorceress's powers. I believed that once we, you and I, could do anything together. Take on the world and command armies of SeeD mercenaries. It was a silly, stupid childish dream but I believed it. Believed in what you could do, with your charm.

_If you only knew_  
 _How many times I counted_  
 _All the words that went wrong_

There are things that I wish I could take back, stupid words. Things that had no meaning, just something said to fill empty space. I want to be able to tell you things that have meaning, things that come from the heart. But I can't and I know that you can't change the past. I know it well, thanks to Ellone.  
When I was walking in that bleakness, when my mind kept coming back to you, I kept thinking of our arguments. Of the words that went wrong. So many little things; so many fights that we had over stupid things. Misunderstandings and miscommunication. Every single fuck up came back, like a huge glaring beacon. The words played over and over and by the time they started to repeat themselves, I found myself with tears in my eyes.

I thought that I had lost everything. That I had lost you.

_If you only knew_  
 _How I refuse to let you go,_  
 _Even when you're gone_

Everything here reminds me of you. Of us. I have your t-shirt that you left here years ago. It still smells like you and I wear it sometimes. Rinoa has vowed to one day throw it out and I vowed to do something equally mean and heart wrenching. She doesn't know that it's yours.  
I have little things that you left here, your key chain that broke; your comb; a pair of your gloves; the oil you use on Hyperion. I can't give them up, just like I can't give up the ghosts of you.

_I don't regret any days I_  
 _Spent, nights we shared,_  
 _Or letters that I sent_

I heard that you were in Balamb for a while and then in FH. I sent letters to both places but I guess I was always a couple steps behind you. I poured my heart and soul into them with hopes that you'd come back to me. That maybe we could maybe start over and see where things went from there.

If you were standing in front of me right now, I'd probably be smiling. I might even have to hug you but I would tell you that I don't regret any of the time we had together. Not one moment. I would have to tell you that, before anything.

_I still hold onto the letters_  
 _You returned_  
 _You help me live and learn_

When I got those letters back, I kept them. I have everything in a lacquered box. The paper is worn on the edges, the envelope flap doesn't stay closed anymore and sometimes, I swear I can smell your cologne on the paper.

Rinoa told me the other day, that whatever or whoever has me in such a tight grip - that I should take a look and see if I'm gripping them just as tight. Maybe she knows that someone else has my heart in a way that she can't. She's a lot smarter than she lets on at times. And again, I'm still to weak to tell her that we should end things so I can seek you out.

You've changed me Seifer, in so many ways. Thank you for all of it. The good and bad, the scars and the kisses.

Maybe, I should let go and not grip so tight. Maybe you'll come back to me and maybe you won't.


End file.
